But this is exactly what it was like:
Within the first 5 seconds of waking up, I thought about smoking. Sometimes I lit up, sometimes I didn't. But it was always right away within minutes.
Some people say, "Smoking in the morning is gross!" That's true, except the addiction doesn't care. I smoked in my apartment, and I lived alone. I didn't care about the smell, my addiction convinced me of that. It suppressed my appetite, and there were times I didn't even eat anything until the afternoon hours. I felt horrible! But I was addicted, and I knew it.
I would smoke on the way to the bus, after I got off, and maybe even another time before I got to where I was headed. Then another one as soon as I had the chance. More on the way home. It was just an endless cycle. It wasn't even fun anymore. There certainly wasn't any moderation. That was long gone.
I couldn't even hangout with anyone or they would be considered "major events" in my head and I'd convince myself to smoke.
Even if I was hanging out with people who didn't, I was willing to risk it all and light up in front of them and go back to square one JUST so I could "enjoy my day." But I wasn't enjoying my day, I was starting all over and having to go through all the physical withdrawal once again.
If I was drinking at home, or going to the bars with friends, I could easily smoke an entire pack of cigarettes in a matter of four or five hours. It's not that hard. As a pack a day smoker, I was just smoking them one right after the other, as if it were normal and not unusual.
My friends gave up on talking to me about quitting because sooner or later, I would always go back to it. It was probably laughable to them. Yes, for the most part they understood, but why relapse so many times?
I was truly addicted, that's why.
You can't cut back because you'll think about it even more. You probably don't eat the most healthiest of foods. Your whole day is consumed with thoughts about it.
And you know what?
It's all a complete lie.
Nicotine will wait for those moments, that's for certain.
It will wait until you're vulnerable, and either hitting a high or low peak, and then strike. That's how it works.
If you're like me, you've basically had one at every moment in your life, and there isn't a single part of your life that hasn't been exposed to cigarettes. That's how nicotine strikes. If you've lived every happy moment, or every sad moment with a cigarette in your hand, nicotine will remind you of that once you quit.
If you quit and you get upset over something, it will remind you that you used to smoke when you were upset, and that it would take the stress away (even though it wouldn't).
If you're super excited about something and you want to celebrate, it will remind you that you used to inhale in honor of that joy and it would make the moment cooler (even though it wouldn't).
Every emotional thought has involved smoking in one way or another, good or bad. That's why it's important to understand that it's a lie and it's just the addiction talking, nothing else.
Copyright © 2009-2015 Matt Neumann All rights reserved.